LOS ANGELES — It’s every parent’s fear, and one that is never really far from Jenn Marino’s mind.
“If I get a notification on my phone, it's like, you hold your breath for that second and you're like, ‘Please don't be my son’s school,’” she explained.
Marino is referring to the looming threat of school shootings or mass shooting anywhere. Part of the problem, she says, is in the palm of her hand: an endless onslaught of information.
“I think that’s taken the biggest toll on me personally,” she said, scrolling past the headlines on her phone. “It's too much."
Jessica Davis, who has three daughters, understands. Parents have a lot on their plates, she says, and their worries are getting bigger.
“School shootings, fentanyl. It can be very overwhelming,” she said.
In addition to being a mom, Davis is a licensed marriage and family therapist who sees plenty of parents who are struggling with anxiety and stress. In fact, according to the CDC, one in 14 children has a caregiver suffering from poor mental health.
“I always like to say, 'We're in a different boat, but we're in the same storm,'" Davis explained.
She herself is not immune, but she has developed a toolbox. Mindfulness, mental check-ins and giving herself grace are part of her self-care routine. And self-care, she stresses, is not selfish.
“I remember long ago, a supervisor said to me, 'You cannot give from an empty bucket,” she recalled. “So I've made it my life's goal to fill my bucket so I have stuff to give out to others.”
And when her bucket is empty, which can happen to the best of us, Davis is honest with her family and lets them know because while she’s a mom, she stresses, she’s also a human.
“If I feel like at my wit's end, I separate from the situation, whether that be going to my room, go exercise, take a phone call with my best friend," she said. "Whatever it is, I allow myself the grace of checking out for that moment and telling my children like, ‘I can't be Mom right now because I'm a person, and I need to take care of myself right now so I can be better for you guys.’”
It's a personal strategy, but it’s also a parenting one. What Davis is doing is modeling self-care behavior, demonstrating for her children that one is allowed to make their mental health needs a personal priority.
A Pew Research study conducted last year found that the number one worry for parents was their child’s mental health, and 40% of those surveyed said they are extremely or very worried that their children might, at some point, struggle with anxiety or depression. But research has also shown that one of the best things parents can do for their kid’s mental health is to prioritize their own.
“There's the age-old saying, you know, if you're on the airplane, you got to put your mask on before you… put another person's mask on,” explained licensed marriage and family therapist Taylor Foxhall. “It's very true. You need to be able to help yourself. It’s important to help others and get your family support and everything like that, but you’ve got to make sure you get it for yourself.”
For those, like Marino, feeling overwhelmed by their newsfeed, Foxhall offered this advice: “Find a way to make your world a little smaller. The world is very large, and our access to information is nothing like it's ever been. And that's there's so many positives to that. But it's also very challenging.”
Foxhall works with Burbank Family Services and strongly believes in the power of preventative care — for children and adults. There is no shame in seeking help, he says, at any age or in any circumstance.
“Feeling overwhelmed, feeling like there's not enough time, if you’re saying, ‘Wow, I’m feeling really anxious,’ and you’re not someone who’s usually said that before, it's probably time to get some support," he said.
Marino has a therapist whom she loves. She finds moments of self-care in her garden and in tackling DIY projects around her house. But ironically, she gets the most solace from the same source of much of her stress: her phone and, specifically, a group of other single mom friends who send each other funny memes.
And her plate recently got a little more full. Marino's mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, adding another huge worry to the list of huge worries. So, even the momentary distraction of a meme is a welcome break.
“It gives me joy in the moment, mainly in stressed out moments,” she said. "And I’ll even go back to them sometimes and be like, ‘I can do this.’ And I’ll just scroll back through these crazy memes or TikToks or whatever they are, and laugh all over again.”
And when it comes to her mental health, Marino finds that sometimes, that really is the best medicine.