LEXINGTON, Ky. — The number is almost hard to believe. Katarina Salisbury has a 4.93 GPA.
The senior at Lafayette High School in Lexington combines studies in the rigorous Pre-Engineering path as well as being in the School for Creative and Performing Arts, where she’s a vocal music major and All-State in choir.
"Academics are very important to me," she said. "My mom always says that knowledge is power, and being able to have that background gives you the flexibility to pursue any path you want in life. I just try and remind myself that my worth isn't defined by what grade I get on the test or what's on my transcript but about the image I present and the things I'm doing to put out there in the world.”
Salisbury is also co-president of the French Club and captain of the Bowling team.
But her seemingly ideal life has been marred by tragedy. Her father died when she was just 5 years old, and her life changed overnight. It happened while she was living in Mississippi, but there was a children’s grief center to help her process her loss.
"It's just a really awesome place where families and kids go, and you could just get to be surrounded by a community of people who understand your loss," she said. "When you're in first grade, not a lot of other people have dead parents, so it kind of makes you ‘the kid with the dead dad’ or you're the odd one out."
"Being in that space where there was that feeling of community and understanding was just so powerful. Then unfortunately, when we moved back to Kentucky, there wasn't a space like that.”
When she was 12, her grandmother, a woman she called a "second parent," also died unexpectedly.
"The grief overtook me," she said. "I started struggling in school, which I previously hadn't had any issues with."
"I didn't want to do anything. It was really hard for me to kind of get through that second loss. But it's definitely inspired me to start giving back the support that I wanted.”
She used equine therapy at the Annie’s Answer Program to help her recover.
“I fell in love with it," Salisbury said. "It was a very cathartic experience for me. I got there, and I was just with the horses. Then at one point, I just started like crying my eyes out ... I just was releasing a lot of pent-up emotions because I was in a safe healing space.”
Salisbury now volunteers with that same group.
Although the horses helped, she found the most peace when she didn’t feel isolated and could talk with others who shared her experience. She wanted to provide that support for others, so she became a teen facilitator for the Kentucky Center for Grieving Children and Families, helping lead eight-week programs for young people who have suffered loss.
Salisbury said there are more of those than one may think.
"One in 12 kids in Kentucky are going to be bereaved by the loss of a parent or sibling by the age of 18," she said. "I thought to myself, if this is the way I'm feeling, I know hundreds of thousands of other kids are also feeling it at this moment. I'd like to do something to be able to help serve them.”
Emily Rommelman, the center's clinical programs manager, said Salisbury's kindness is invaluable.
"She has that really strong hands-on experience with grief, so she knows exactly what it's like," Rommelman said. "She's really great about being able to empathize with these other teens, to show them that they're not alone and that she does understand how they feel."
“Grief itself is very isolating, and especially when it's for children and teens because a lot of young people don't have a death loss. She's really great about normalizing that experience for people so that you can work on not feeling alone and encouraging them to identify their emotions so that they can share their emotions and advocate for themselves on here's what I need, here's how I feel. She's really great at spearheading that.”
People who have suffered loss simply want to be heard, Salisbury said.
“We find that where teens are struggling the most is not having the right supports in school," she said. "They want to talk about their person who died. But then their friends say they're uncomfortable or they just never know the right thing to say to a grieving person."
“I think the big thing is just letting them know that you're there for them. Right when it happens, they're going to kind of be in shock the first couple of weeks, moving through the motions, just trying to get through the day. But just letting them know you're there for them or maybe taking them out to lunch or getting them out to an activity ... obviously, it's going be a long road to recovery and grief is never something you get over. You just learn to live with it over time.”
“I tell people all the time, I'm still grieving my dad's death almost 12 years later. It's something that children re-grieve at different developmental ages. So it never goes away.”
“People think that kids are super fragile, like we shouldn't talk to them about these things because it'll make them sad. But it's important to know that sadness is a part of life, and grief is going to be a part of life. It's horrible that some children have to experience it so much earlier and in different ways than most people, but it's very important that we talk to them about death and loss and not try (to) hide it from them.”
“I've had people say, ‘Oh, you don't get sad talking about grief all the time?’ Sometimes I do. It's a very emotional, vulnerable thing. But I think I found a lot of power in being able to share my story because I know a lot of kids and teens over the years who haven't been able to share their stories, either with their friends or even their families. Their families don't want to talk about it and kids feel by talking about it, I'm going to make mom or dad sad, the remaining parent. But it's really important to have those conversations as a family.”
Salisbury's father took his own life, and she said it’s important to acknowledge those kinds of deaths.
“At points in my life, I've been bullied for having my dad die by suicide," Salisbury said. "I've had teachers that didn't understand what I was going through, peers who were unsupportive, and I couldn't find the right resources. People weren't willing to help with that because they were afraid of making me more sad."
"Grief is an uncomfortable topic, so what I really try to do is help stigmatized grievers like suicides and overdoses be able to share their story and normalize their experiences without feeling shame or guilt about that.”
Helping teens get through grief has become her anticipated career. She’s working on a national curriculum to support children who have lost a loved one and plans to attend Davidson University, where she’ll study psychology with the goal of becoming an adolescent psychologist.
Rommelman said Salisbury's commitment to the cause is admirable.
“It's really exciting to see somebody be so passionate about something that's really important and see that there are still young people who follow their passions and really care about giving back and care about their community," Rommelman said.
"(Grief) is not a linear path," Salisbury said. "It's not just something (where) I woke up one day and each day was better than the last. It was a journey."
"I'd have days or months where it would be better, and I wouldn't feel that grief or anxiety or stress as much. Then the next day, it seems like I've gone back four steps. But it's something (where) there are resources available, and I think if you find the right ones for you and you find people who are willing to support you through your grief, that it's absolutely possible to work through that.”
Using lessons from her personal tragedy to make life better for others makes Katarina Salisbury a deserving High School Scholar.